toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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