Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize