i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize