woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
