my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
