Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
