I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
