i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
