i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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