Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
