My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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