But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
50% drunk capacity currently
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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