Well apparently he's into motor boating.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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