I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize