i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize