Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
