Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
