my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
