We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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