I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
