I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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