I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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