you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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