I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
