Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
