please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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