I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
