yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
