I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
