my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
