I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
