So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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