I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
