two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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