So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize