Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
When are your genitals available?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
