Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
