Swine flu. Run for my life!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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