chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
A bitchslap is in order.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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