Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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