It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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