When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
