watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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