I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
