Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize