Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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