mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i think i just lost a toe
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
