I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
