Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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