I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
