I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize