Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
