your thong is hanging out like whoa
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
