i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
