history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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