hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
