college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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