I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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