the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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