I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
