Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
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