I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
where are my eyebrows?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
