and you said cock pushups were impossible
My cat gives me a boner
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
