I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
