I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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