Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So I just went to clothing optional bar
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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