Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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