Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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