I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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