I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
