Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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