My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
