need another drink. this is the easiest way
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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